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Supreme Love: A Bigger, Deeper Connection For Couples
Supreme Love: Desire for and expressions of love, emotional intimacy, romance, passion, lust and erotic intimacy.
Romantic relationships begin with "Supreme Love." Intense feelings of attraction, loving and sexual desire are integrated; the forces aligned and balanced, blend effortlessly creating a fragile bond - though our feelings make us believe the connection is untouchable.
Relationship manuals forgot to say:
"To preserve this supreme bond, you must nurture emotional and erotic love. Both are necessary for a complete relationship."
Without attention, the bond weakens and the elements of "Supreme Love" begin to fragment. Often, women shift toward the emotional and affectionate elements of love, while men drift toward the lustful and erotic. This fragmentation causes relationships to breakdown. The challenge for couples who wish to attain "Supreme Love" is to reinforce both elements.
Building Emotional Intimacy
When do you feel closest to your partner emotionally?
For us, it's after conflict:
Bob was in charge of making reservations for our anniversary getaway." He put it off. When he finally called, the B&B was booked. Lori was furious.
We knew we needed to cool off before talking. We sat down together in the kitchen - our place for working stuff out.
Lori calmly expressed her frustration with Bob's inattention to planning ahead. It made her feel she wasn't important. Bob listened, though it hurt. He knew he'd truly disappointed her. He apologized, saying it wasn't his intention - he hadn't written it down. Lori accepted the apology, trusting that Bob wouldn't hurt her intentionally.
Next, Bob told Lori how he felt when she yelled. He knew she worked to keep her volume down, but when she didn't, he felt attacked. Bob said yelling made it hard to listen with an open heart. Lori apologized and Bob received her apology.
There was a letting go of anger and hurt. We looked into each other's eyes and said we loved each other. We shared a wonderful hug.
The emotional journey we had just taken was painful. But we knew resentment would brew if we didn't embrace conflict. We each took ownership for our part.
Through tears, we were able to express ourselves and be listened to respectfully; no blame, just a genuine sharing of our hearts. That's emotional intimacy.
Building Erotic Intimacy
The other half of "Supreme Love" involves the erotic connection, stoking the fire of our passionate, romantic and sexual desire.
First, a little education, since this was also left out of the manual:
One in five couples have a "sexless" marriage (sex less than ten times a year).
One third of couples have mismatched sexual desire.
Having sex 1-2x/week is considered average.
Only 40% of married couples report being "very satisfied" with their sex lives.
50% of the population needs to make an effort to feel sexual desire.
When sexuality in marriage is healthy, sex accounts for just 15-20% of relationship satisfaction; but in relationships with conflict/avoidance of sex, it plays a larger role.
Married couples have more satisfying sex than single or divorced people.
In our practice, seeing couples with low-sex or no-sex relationships is common. Couples avoid sex for many reasons: not making sex a priority; stress/exhaustion; low libido - perhaps caused by medication, menopause or other hormone changes; performance anxiety; weight gain/body image issues; intimacy anxiety; conflict, anger, feelings of rejection; use of pornography; affairs; not feeling close emotionally; boredom or mismatched libidos.
Whatever the reason, avoidance creates more avoidance. Couples who allow their erotic connection to wane are at risk for unhappiness, affairs and divorce.
Lovemaking is a wonderful part of a relationship. With effort, a good erotic connection can be made great. Where there is low/no sexual desire, sparks can be reignited when the underlying issue is identified.
Communicating about your sexual connection is vital. With love and respect, discuss the roadblock(s) to an improved sex life. Commit to change this part of your relationship. Support each other's effort. Boost your partner's self-esteem with encouragement and appreciation.
We also recommend the following. We call it:
"The Ten 'T's That Will Grow or Re-Ignite Your Erotic Connection"
1) Talk - Tell each other what excites you.
2) Tease - Make out on the couch - with clothes on.
3) Touch - Use sensual touch outside the bedroom.
4) Tune-In - Ask your partner what makes him/her feel more loved.
5) Take Time - Make erotic connection a priority.
6) Tune-Up - Be more creative, adventurous and playful with sex.
7) Travel - Go away together to focus on your relationship.
Toys - Use sexual toys.
9) Try It Anyway - Begin - desire will follow.
10) Thank Your Partner - Express gratitude for your partner's efforts.
With attention, the fragile bond of emotional and erotic love becomes the "Supreme Love" that lasts a lifetime.
About the Author
Lori Hollander is a licensed counselor and co-founder of Relationships Work, an innovative relationship therapy practice and online resource center. Along with her husband and co-therapist, Bob Hollander, Lori encourages couples to consciously create their relationships in order to achieve a deeper and long-lasting connection. Visit Relationships Work online at:
http://www.RelaitonshipsWork.com
